I missed our relationship today. I had a moment when I was stirred by an inspiring discussion with someone when my thoughts were shifted to You.
Once again this week, when I had my hands elbow deep in creation's goo during our anatomy session, I realised how futile it would be to defend a belief that You are not there. I cannot refute the evidence of science and evolutionary hypothesis very confidently...but when I hold the human heart in my hands, or try and unravel the human viscera with their delicate blood supply and impossible arrangement of nerves and attachments, I realise that no amount of genetic material stirred in a pot, could result in the artwork of life and life's sustenance I see around me.
Despite my awe of your handywork, God, I often wonder why You chose, and still choose to handle us the way you do? I know the doctrines, the rules of the game...yet in the light of the pain and confusion and sense of loss we as individuals and communities feel everyday, I sometimes question the deity of a God and His fitness to govern in the light of His inability to set a world free from its problems without resorting to fairytales and mythological and religious routines contained within church structures.
Why do I feel so guilty asking tough questions and sharing my doubts and fears? Surely You cannot be intimidated? You have to be secure in who You are. Why am I afraid to call you 'unloving' when I see a world unloved and observe your lack of willingness to love them practically. I know the theory is that Christians are your hands to love the world, yet most of the world wants nothing to do with a Christian's expression of love. Why am I afraid to blame you for my lack of choice in life, why when I experience your involvement in my life as little more than a parachute of last resort, should I not be able to ask for evidence of Your commitment to see your Word through. I seem to be making up more and more excuses for You. The way I see it, I can no longer cover up and defend Your character to a disillusioned world. If you chose to allow suffering, then surely it is only fair to describe you as the God who allows the vulnerable to suffer.
God, I trusted you with my life two years ago, and with my heart...Am I allowed to say that "You took your eye off the ball?" My heart ache was due to Your failing to keep Your promise. If I as a man have had to carry the scars of my choice to act on Your failed promises...it would help restore my trust if You would at least own up to Your failure to protect and cover me when those promises dissolved.
Why do I feel so guilty?Surely You are able to defend Your right to my devotion? At the moment, I honour You and pay service to You because I cannot deny Your existence...but if I am honest, I have been hurt one too many times by Your hand to allow you too close again! Earn my trust again...not with wealth and riches....just with Honesty God.
I missed our relationship today... It appears to have become one-sided...
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